Just got back a little while ago from beers at the Duck with my old bandmate and friend, Zak, the redhaired macrae. We talked about life, my life in particular and all that has gone on in the last month and 11 days since Josie and I split. It’s hard to put to words what I’m feeling these days. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel when I think of her. I saw her today. She came over for breakfast. We talked and got along fine almost as if nothing has happened although it’s painfully obvious that our lives are going in different directions. She’s freaking out and stressed just like I thought she would be. No mention of getting back together on either of our parts. I wanted to ask but already know the answer. Why torture myself? She called me honey. Slip of the tongue or old habit and when I heard it my heart tore in two.

What are you supposed to feel or think when the person you’ve spent years loving decides they no longer want to be with you? What?

The problem is ego. If only I could be a true Buddhist and let go of ego.

I’m living in my old Snug Harbor apartment that I lived in years ago with Jesse and Dave. The place I began writing in. All my favorite poems mention this place. Familiar. Still home. I can find my way around in the dark. Haven’t seen the ghost again yet.

On the fridge I have pictures from that time. I was 21. Young. Stupid. A BMW pisser.

Listen to U2’s So Cruel. It rings true for me. “I disappeared in you. You disappeared from me. I gave you everything you ever wanted. It wasn’t what you wanted.”

Aside from the broken marriage my life is not a complete disaster. My friends have all been just absolutely amazing and I’m just so lucky to know every one of them. Old friends. New. Reconnected sparkly ones. If any should read this I send my love.

Johnny take a walk with your sister the moon… Johnny Drummer Boy (me) has his drums up and guitars out. I sang I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For out loud in the cold clear night of Monterey. I was the only audience so who knows how I sounded.

In a lot of ways I feel free. I’m king of the fucking castle. Up when I want. Eat what I want. Play any music I want. Play drums or guitar any time I want.

At night I can’t fall asleep until late. The tv is on but I’m not watching, only staring at the cieling and occassionally pinching myself to see if this is a dream.

It’s not a dream. I know it but something in my mind refuses to see it. Doesn’t want to believe it because it hurts. It really does.

Personally, some good has come from this. My inner demons came out. I slew them them one by one. First to fall was my fear of attention. That fear is a nasty little fucker that wreaked havoc on my life for so long. Because of it I avoided getting out there and really living. The second demon to die by my mindsword is the fear of being judged. The Attention Demon’s bastard child. I avoided attention that everyone naturally wants because I feared being judged. Why? Die demon. I had no choice but to face them down. I had to ask for attention and risk embarrassment (what could be more embarrassing than failing at your marriage?) and judgement. I avoided attention for so long and when I had to seek it out I found that that fear is all in your head. It really is. Ask and you shall receive they say. It’s the cliche truth.

I find myself thinking about life on my own. Not because obviously I’m on my own but whether I want to do it again. I was on my own from the age of 18. Packed the bags, 400 bucks in my pocket, a crosscountry train ride later I was here on my own for a year. I liked being on my own. Really did but I prefer having company on the journey. Someone (of the female persuasion) to share life with. Let’s face it. Sitting alone in your room at night watching reruns of Law and Order or whatever gets a little old.

Thinking about dating again and how strange that seems to me. I haven’t been on a date (at least with someone other than Josie) in 9 years. The last girl I dated was killed in a car accident 4 days after I last saw her. We were just friends by then but still that was a hard thing to endure. When Josie and I got together we skipped the usual dating games because right at the beginning I said no games. Really. Who needs or has the time for bullshit anyway? Now here I am 8 years later thinking “dammit”. Why does it have to be so hard? Don’t we all just want someone to love who will love us in return? Someone who wants to get to the heart of the matter and the soul of just being.

I can’t help but wonder if she just got bored of me. I can’t see how. I’m always doing new things. Creating. Inspiring. I’m kind. Gentle. Loving. I’m not some evil out to get anyone. I’m faithful. Honest. Trustworthy. Aren’t these good things to be?

I’ve heard people say lately that some women like the bad boys. Why the fuck for I ask? Really why would anyone want someone who’s just going to treat you like some piece of meat only to be cast off when the next conquest comes along? Makes absolutely no sense to me. Is it the sex? Jeez. Bad boys don’t necessarily mean they’re MEN. A real man knows how to treat a woman. Communication is the key to getting the excitement you want whether it’s sex or some other aspect of the relationship.

I’ve no expectations of getting sex on any date I might go on. Not that I wouldn’t love it of course but sex doesn’t equate romance for me. I suppose it’s my feminine side speaking here but it’s true. I like the romance because that lasts you much longer than an orgasm or two or thirty might ha. There’s just something about just being in a woman’s presence that feels good to me. I’ve always gotten along better with women than men anyway. They’re not afraid to express emotion. Somehow that makes me feel closer and safe. Like I’m not the only one in the world feeling those things.

Let me tell you, men can be pigs. Really. I know it. Done some piggy things too in my past. We can be crude and real assholes sometimes. We’re lazy. We want only to watch tv and eat pizza and drink beer. There comes a point tho when a man realizes the errors of his ways.

It happened for me a couple years ago. 9/11 to be exact. I knew then I had to start changing the negatives in my life. I started right away. One step at a time up until this split with Josie when as my dad said, “God said one step at a time isn’t fast enough. You’ll do it now.” Damn!

So I’m doing it. Changing. Growing. Learning. Putting my trust in others that they’ll see I’m going in the right direction.