day after

It’s the day after Thanksgiving and I’ve just gotten off the Greyhound from San Jose. Feeling a bit like Kerouac on his travels…

Yesterday was an extremely hard day to get through. I had a great time up at Melita’s and met some interesting people. Robert, Jackie’s son who’s an Episcopalian priest from Manchester, England. Melita’s daughter Zita and her husband Jim. Jim’s mom. Jackie was there. She’s the 97 year old woman who’s patio Dad and I faux finished a couple months ago.
The day was hard to get through tho. Especially seeing all the couples there since I’m only reminded I’m not with Josie anymore. My thoughts were on her most of the day and only distracted while doing yard work or washing the dishes after dinner. I imagine Josie sat at home with no tday dinner and only the cats for company. How sad and depressing it is. Despite my intentions of not drinking a lot I did. 3 glasses of champagne, 5 glasses of white wine, and a small glass of sherry. After dinner I had to excuse myself and took a short 3 minute powernap on the bathroom floor to collect myself. Surprisingly I wasn’t hung over this morning.
The way I’ve been feeling the past couple days only makes me think I really am not ready to date again. Dating as in looking for another significant other. I think friends is all I could do for now and what I need most anyway. I’ll keep an open mind of course but my heart is still held by Jos. How long does it take to get over a loss such as this?

I can’t help but feel something is wrong with me for her to have rejected me after all these years. Everyone says that there’s nothing wrong with me but there must be, at least in her eyes. What the hell is it? She won’t explain. She says it’s for me to figure out. That’s such a copout answer if I ever heard one. I’d rather know than not know. She couldn’t possibly hurt me any more than she has.

Heading over to the house in a few to finish cleaning the remaining mess from the shed and to empty out my car so I can have it towed most likely over to here. I’ll spend some time with the cats today. Tomorrow I’m back over there again to help clean and say goodbye to the cats. Still don’t know what will happen to them.

I’m glad to be home again. The apt suits me.

Dad brought up with him an old video that Jesse and I made when we lived in the apt 9 years ago. Christmas video. Wow. What a trip! Melita said, “Damn, you’re looking sexy on the video, Justin!” haha I said, “I must have been in my rockstar mode.” I looked young. 21. Full beard. Longer blonder hair. Morrisonish poses to the camera while walking Del Monte beach. Walkman headphones taped to the camera playing Joshua Tree for the soundtrack. heh. Two parts I’m seen playing the drums. God I was terrible back then hahha. Those same rhythms I can now play blindfolded and one handed if I wanted to. Somewhere there’s another video of us and Dave in this place singing along to Mysterious Ways.

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