Habits and Behaviors

I don’t feel I’ve got my act together yet. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about I’m tired of a lot of my habits and behaviors that drag me down. Seriously lately I’ve been depressed because in just 4 months I turn 30 and I feel like I need to change. Sometimes I think I’m going nuts. Tonight I started writing a dialogue with myself to dive into my subconscious and figure out what the fuck is wrong with me. All my problems stem from fear that much I know. So I’m exploring this dialogue idea to see where it leads me. here’s a bit to read. I begin by asking myself for help…

Help me release my fears.
I’m coming to you
because who else can I turn to?
I’m afraid of losing you.
I’m afraid I’m not good enough.
My every thought is for change
I don’t like myself
and I don’t understand why.
I feel there is something wrong with me.
Is there something wrong with me?
I worry.

I’m here.
I’m listening.
When there’s no one else I’m still here.
I’ll never leave you.
I like you.

Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong?
I don’t know.
Yes, you do.
I don’t feel that I do.
You let fear tell you what to do. Why?
Because I’m afraid of getting hurt physically mentally emotionally
Have you been hurt?
I’ve been beaten. Abandoned. Lied to. Yeah.

How do you feel about him coming here?
I don’t really remember what he looks like. I’m not really looking forward to this.
I don’t know what this is. I don’t know him anymore.
That’s true. You don’t. Then the question is…
Do I want to know who he is now?
I think that’s what you’re going to find out. I heard that.
Yes, I had the fleeting thought that they won’t show at all.
It wouldn’t surprise me one bit.
You’ve lost faith.
Yes, I’ve lost faith.
I don’t put my trust in people.
How do you regain faith?

I’ve been thinking of prayer.
You’ve never really sincerely done that.
I don’t know how to either. How do you pray? To whom? To what?
God some would say. Jesus. He would say.
I’ve been raised without God. What do I do?
The Buddha says we must rely on ourselves.
Pray to myself? What does that mean?
Everything and everyone is holy they say. All truths.

What am I so afraid of?
You fear judgment. Ridicule. Embarrassment.
Why? Why do I give a shit? Why?
Really, why do you? What’s the worst that is going to happen?
That they’ll laugh at me
So? It’s not going to kill you.
When’s the last time someone laughed AT you?
I don’t know.
You don’t know? Could it be because it’s all in our heads?
Remember you were just thinking of Occam’s Razor earlier.
The simplest explanation is usually the right one.

What’s the simplest explanation for why I feel so fucked up then?
You allow yourself to feel that way.
You and your questions.
They’re your questions too.

I’m starting to get angry.
Breathe. In through the nose. Out the mouth.
Yes, better. Remember everything you’ve read about the breath.
I know the things I must do.
Do them. There is nothing stopping you except you.
I know that and I’m still allowing fear to control me.
I knew you were going to say that. I don’t know why.

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